Who Trusts

I have developed a huge intellectual crush on Andy Levy and Jim Goad this year. Kind of on accident. Seeing as one of my goals this year was to find a few journalist-types to look up to, I’m really happy with that.

Taki’s Magazine is amazing.

I’m almost done with finals and I’m ridiculously excited to start checking off books on my reading list. I’m also excited to finish The Civil War documentary series by Ken Burns. And a lot of other documentaries. And I’m the most excitedest to go to Ron Paul camp over New Years.

Who knew these sorts of things would make me so happy five years ago?

I’m proud of myself. And I really deserve to be for once.

I’m going to clean my room, I need to take better care of my stuff. Also, I have the best idea ever. I am going to start a blog during my trip to Iowa. I’ll prepare everything before then. And then boom. These sentences are very short and serious. It adds potency to my fucking amazing idea. Boom.

Oh my god, boys are confusing. I liked it better when I was cramming for my last few finals and had zero time to think about them. I think I will try to repeat that tonight.

“I USED to be a procrastinator.” <-- That's motivational, that is.

If I can get the three things done tonight that I hope to get done, I should start moving everything over to We Are Debonair. Or the other way around. DECIDE! And then go with it.

I should also compile a list of things that I want to accomplish over winter break. And I want to open a blog that is actually themed... Like with each blog post I should write about some recently heard of historical event. Particularly American or Russian... Libertarian would not be a bad idea either. But wait! I need to concentrate on tonight first :-p

I feel embarrassed posting controversial articles on Facebook. Even though I’ve done my research and I think they have the potential to lead to interesting discussion, I feel like I’m being judged as this weird girl that continuously posts articles that nobody agrees with.

I go to the University of Minnesota, where everyone thinks they’re super intelligent because they are hardcore Democrats. So if I were to post an article that challenges current widely held notions of the conditions during the Industrial Revolution, I feel like I’m going to lose all the respect of anyone I have met. But at the same time, I know that I need to become more confident in my challenging of the status-quo.

I hate war. I think America’s intervention abroad is abominable and far too costly. But I also think asphyxiating welfare and regulations are huge no-nos. I like to think that I think independently, but sometimes I wonder if I simply follow the libertarian lead because it’s easy. Just like everyone else follows either the Republicans or the Democrats. But freedom is such a wonderful message… it’s very difficult for me to challenge it.

In other news, I have come to understand just how much I fucking adore economic history, and economics in general. I am so glad I started off as a history major, but I’m thinking maybe I’ll go into economics for my masters. Or economic history. Depending on what schools offer. I know absolutely nothing about any of that yet. I absolutely adore each time I discover a passion. First it was history, then it was global studies, then it was Russian and now it’s economics. And they all tie together so nicely!

Also, I have a lot more money than I expected and should be able to easily pay for rent in two weeks. SCORE.

Studystudystudy time.

IT DOESN’T MATTER IF I’M MOTIVATED OR NOT, I AM GOING TO DESTROY THIS FUCKING PAPER!!!!!!!!!!!

SWEARING IS BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe General Benjamin Butler to be one of the most atrocious men in history. But maybe I simply have not been into enough atrocious historical men. Or maybe I just hate men.

Well, I shouldn’t, seeing as the only people I seem to get close to now-a-days are males.

But seriously, he was upset at the the New Orleans women for incessantly pestering his troops, so while occupying New Orleans he issued General Order No. 28 of May 15 “As the officers and soldiers of the United States have been subject to repeated insults from the women (calling themselves ladies) of New Orleans in return for the most scrupulous non-interference and courtesy on our part, it is ordered that hereafter when any female shall by word, gesture, or movement insult or show contempt for any officer or soldier of the United States she shall be regarded and held liable to be treated as a woman of the town plying her avocation.”

If you are having trouble understanding what this means, imagine you’re a woman and someone you’re at war with is occupying your city. So you decided, “fuck you, I’m going to drop my full chamber pot on your shiny bald head, get out of my city!” And so the commander decides, if any female insults my troops, they are held liable to rape.

Anyway, I have lots to do today. And I need to get my mind off of things. I think I’m in such a fowl mood that “Death Sex” by The Distillers is actually incredibly easy for me to listen to right now.

Maybe I need to start writing a book about my life and how far I’ve come and an analysis of my fashion transformation and shit like that. Throw in some unicorns and talk about my views of the cosmos and people living within another human being and we’re good.

I just got accepted into SPAN, this program that allows me to research my own topic in Russia. I’m ridiculously happy, but I’m also very cold so my fingers are like out of whack and aren’t typing super efficiently. Plus I’m still in this ridiculously horrible mood, even though that’s the happiest news I’ve heard all week. No exclamation points allowed at this point.

I can no longer stand listening to the song Death Sex.

Fuck Benjamin Butler.

I haven’t gotten a single thing done the last few days. But it seriously isn’t my fault. Pokemon and potential/bygone relationships are very distracting. I’m all ambitious and want to kick some Keynesian ass now though, so here we go.

I feel like I should probably explain that third sentence before I return to my Ottoman history paper. Basically, Tuesday night I played the Pokemon Movie drinking game with a couple friends and ended up getting drunker than I’ve ever been in my life (Mewtwo has far more existential crises in one movie than one might expect). There was this one point where I felt absolutely invincible, seeing as I found out this guy supposedly “likes me back.” Even though that was pretty obvious, I was so happy I took a few more shots than I should have. Oh, and I barfed all over my friend’s chair and wrapped myself into a towel burrito on his bathroom floor.

So Wednesday I spent the whole day hungover in bed. I tried going to class but the building smelled like stale pizza and every time I thought about it I wanted to empty my bowels. So I walked to class, changed my mind, bought some orange juice and pretzels, and then walked straight back home. I would have taken the bus back to my apartment but I was scared it might smell like pizza also and I wouldn’t be able to escape.

Today my ex-boyfriend texted me, which is not unusual since we text all the time. He was also on adderall, which isn’t exactly unusual either. But he said he loved me, joked about moving to California and said I needed to marry him. I didn’t exactly protest and I have this idea in my head that he wasn’t exactly joking.

Fuck.

I have no idea what I’m doing. I think I need to focus on homework and let a little time pass. I can get through finals. I feel like I think of everything in terms of like… well if this thing with this guy doesn’t go well Jeff will be there in a few years. But I just want a steady boyfriend now, just to see what something would be like if it wasn’t long distance, to understand what it would be like to meet all his friends and go over to his parents’ for Easter dinner and show him off to my own family. I was with Jeff for nearly 3 years, but it just wasn’t what I wanted. Yet I still want him. That doesn’t make any sense. I just keep thinking that if I maintain a new boyfriend, earn a little life experience, I’ll be able to marry Jeff a few years down the road. I always have some sort of a long term plan set in place, and usually it works out the way I want it too, because I’m so determined. For example, after a year of yearning to go to the University of Minnesota, I got in. But this involves the hearts of other people and I have no idea how it’s going to work out.

I’m going to go do homework.

HAHAHAHA. Wow. It has been an interesting few days. I need to do some homework. I really need to do some homework. Dear god. I think I’m just going to focus on school for a while and see where that goes. I have told myself that numerous, numerous times. But this time I need to be serious about it. Especially considering finals are going to kick my ass.

All right. I’m going to get through quite a bit of Behind the Urals and then get at least a two page start on my Japan paper. Throughout this entire period, I will go on Facebook exactly zero times. Yes, this feat is nearly impossible. But I will regain an ounce of respect for myself if I can accomplish this.

I’ve also decided I have always been wrong about people. We are way more amazing than I give us credit for.

And I seriously need to stop randomly eating Pepto-Bismol tablets. It is weird and most likely a little unhealthy. I already shove enough questionable food in my mouth these days.

I want to fight for what the vast majority of people deem archaic. I know I am not going to produce sweeping change by challenging the status quo, but at least it will compel a few people to think about history and economics in a way they have forgotten, or never knew.

I wish I could carry a strong debate with a dynamic voice. I wish I had as much confidence in my voice as I do the ideas I want to spread. I guess that’s my goal. I should really join the debate club. I won’t, but it’s food for thought.

I need to move everything to Wearedebonair and develop a new system of ordering things. I should put all of my best college papers and other various writings up there. Maybe I can find an online community to share things with.

Daily I need to do the following things: Get my homework done (first, obviously), read the news, practice guitar and practice Russian, use two new words in conversation. Other things to consider: practice writing, learn economics on your own, read more books, watch more documentaries.